According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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