Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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