I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
