I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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