I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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