im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
