i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
