There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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