You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
