This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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