i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
