this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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