So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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