she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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