just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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