I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"