woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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