FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
