Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
