I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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