I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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