So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
