got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So much Jack, so little girl.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
