he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
