I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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