dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
