You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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