I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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