franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
