I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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