You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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