I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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