Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
