I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
