I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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