tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there was a trapeze. enough said
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
