R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
