Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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