I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
