Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
