I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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