I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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