Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
