Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize