I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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