only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
