I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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