You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
