well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
