Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The air was thick with penises
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize