I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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