WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
