my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
