Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I faked an abortion last night.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
